Are you stuck in a sex rut with your husband or wife? Or worried that you’ll be one of “those” married couples who don’t have enough sex or intimacy in their married life after having kids? What many long-term couples fail to realize is that their relationship came before the children did, and it’s important to give it the TLC it needs. Find out how you can do that with our simple tips here:
Kids can be unpredictable and your life may seem like it’s on constant chaos. But it all boils down to having set routines and systems to help manage your new lifestyle now that kids are in the picture, and that also means setting time aside for privacy and quality time with your spouse. For example, use a dry-erase board to schedule all your kids’ activities and keep a personal calendar/agenda for date nights with your significant other.
Make sure to plan ahead and have a trusted babysitter (or grandparents) come in for a few hours while you and your partner are on a date. Or you can have date night at home by setting up an after-bedtime romantic evening after you get the kids to bed and have the whole evening to yourselves.
Not only should your schedule be organized and include time for yourself and your marriage, but you should have strict rules and space for you and your partner.
Leave your bedroom as your personal space to do “adult” things with your spouse; if you’re concerned about your kids getting scared during those thunderstorms or need Mommy or Daddy to sleep with them for the night, either sleep in their room or, if you have an extra room, designate another room for parent-child sleepovers when your children need it.
Letting your kids go in and out of your room may not allow you and your spouse to have a space to call your own, which can blur the lines between parents and husband-and-wife.
Talk it out.
Communicate, communicate, communicate!
Letting assumptions occupy your mind or closing yourself off doesn’t help your relationship with your partner. Open up about your concerns and focus on solutions to help improve your sex life and your overall connection with your spouse.
If you have noticed that your sex life has dried up and you’re in a rut, have a one-on-one conversation with your partner and see why your sex life has changed. Is it due to financial stress or depression? Or are you having insecurities about yourself that are affecting your marriage?
Don’t just talk when there are problems, though: Make time to simply talk about each other and deepen your connection. Even 30 minutes of dedicated, undivided attention to your partner each day can make a major difference.
Let go of insecurities.
Maybe you’re not feeling as attractive as you once did before after having kids, or maybe you think your marriage has gone a bit stale and your partner doesn’t desire you sexually anymore.
First, if you have insecurities, get out of your head and talk to your spouse about any insecurities you may have been projecting on them. You may be surprised that most of your insecurities are amplified in your head because you focus on them far too much rather than focusing on the reality, which is that your spouse finds you just as sexually appealing or even more so after having children.
Second, don’t allow yourself to obsess over your insecurities because you will allow them to get in the way of your marriage. Most people tend to use their insecurities as a wall to block themselves off from others, which will only weaken the bond you have with your husband or wife.
Keep the sexual connection alive.
Yes, life after kids gets busier and crazier, but that doesn’t mean you have to let your connection with your significant other fizzle out.
One simple and effective way to keep the sexual spark going is to keep flirting and touching each other throughout the day. Instead of a quick peck on the lips, take a few more moments to enjoy your kiss with each other (not a full-on make-out session, though!), even if it’s in front of the kids or in a more private area away from your children’s curious eyes. It’s not always about having lots of sex; intimacy and affection are important factors, too.
Use technology to your advantage and sext each other flirty and X-rated messages. If you’re feeling extra bold, send sexy images to your partner while they’re at work. Consider it your new way of foreplay and keep the heat going all day until the main event at nighttime after the kids are asleep. You can also simply tease each other with messages and enjoy pillowtalk at night before you go to sleep.
Bonus Tip: If you’re currently thinking about having children or on your way to having Baby #1, figure out how you’ll manage your sex life once your newborn arrives. Stick to the rules you have set for yourselves to ensure that you and your partner keep your bond strong even after having your first child.
Quickies and oral are going to be your best sex friends.
Find more creative and stealthy ways to keep your partner on their toes. If you both take showers in the mornings, hop in the shower together before your kids wake up and have a quickie in the shower.
Remember to keep lubricant on hand when you need it for comfortable and pleasurable quickies. You can also use flavored lubricant for oral sessions to make oral sex more exciting for you and your spouse.
Play fun and flirty sex games all day together to help keep your love life more spontaneous. Why not keep a pair of sex dice around for a quick way to spice up your intimate moments together? One way to include sex dice into your sex routine is to use them for date nights or lunch breaks. This can help make sex seem less mechanical and more entertaining for both you and your partner.
Keep it simple. You don’t have to make maintaining the intimacy in your relationship grand or complex!
Another thing to note here is to not “go through the motions” with sex. Your partner can sense that you’re just trying to please them and you’re not 100% into it. It’s best to build your intimacy with purpose and keep sex going without you having to think you’re forced to do it just because. That also doesn’t help your marriage in the end as you may start to resent your partner later on.
Bonus Tip: If you want to take “spicing up your marriage” to the next level, talk to your husband or wife about adding sex toys to your usual love-making routine. Vibrators make great beginner-friendly couples adult toys that you and your partner will enjoy.
Take care of yourself.
How many of us get wrapped up in other people’s business, including our children’s, and don’t take time for ourselves? Although it may seem counterintuitive to focus on yourself first and foremost before others, think about it this way: Without you being in your best form for yourself, how can you give your best to your spouse or your kids?
If you need 30 minutes in the morning to get yourself together and do something for you before you do anything for anyone else, take that time because it’s vital for a happy, healthy you. Use that time to do activities like meditation, taking a bath with your favorite Lush bath bomb or exercising; don’t take it as extra time to reply to business emails or organize your schedule for your family that week. It’s designated “you” time!
Break the worrying habit.
“What if the kids hear or see us having sex?”
“I can’t stop worrying about the kids and the babysitter. You think they’re okay and being watched properly?”
“I don’t want the kids to hear us, so let’s keep it very quiet! And don’t move around too much, either.”
Do these worried-filled thoughts enter your mind when you or your spouse talk about having sex, whether you’re around your children or not? Talk about a damper on your sex parade! Sex is about you and your partner only. Sure, it’s normal to worry about the kids; you are parents after all.
But allowing kids to be an excuse to delay or even completely stop having sex with your significant other can be detrimental to your marriage. You simply have to change your sex routine now that kids have entered the picture.
Find time during the day where you and your partner can meet and have a quickie (e.g., during lunch breaks). Go back to your teenage years and have sex in the car. Let your kids watch the Disney Channel and make an excuse that you’re helping Daddy fix something in the bathroom. All you need to do is be creative and be willing to embrace changes in your pre-kids sex routine.
5-Minute Summary: Better Sex & Intimacy After Kids
Keep the sex and romance going even after you have kids! No matter if you’re a veteran and have 7 kids or you’re about to have Baby #1.
1. Get organized and schedule in intimacy and sex. Some may worry that this seems boring, but it’s what you do during the sex part that counts (e.g., bringing in sex toys)! Keep your schedules and routines in place and follow them to ensure you and your partner have alone time.
2. Communicate! Always keep communication open and honest. If you feel your sex life hasn’t been the same after kids, talk to your partner and figure out solutions together to ensure you both have your needs met.
3. Don’t let insecurities stop you from having sex fun with your spouse. Insecurities about your body or your marriage don’t need to be bottled up. Talk to your partner and don’t let insecurities or assumptions rule your mind or your marriage.
4. Keep flirting and stay affectionate toward each other. Sext, touch, and flirt all day long! Keep the sexual connection strong and act like teenagers again.
5.Have quickies and oral. You may be tight on time, so quickies are a must for many parents. Remember to lube up and add oral into the mix to make it extra exciting.
6. Put you first. Take time for yourself every day before you take care of other people’s needs, even your children’s and spouse’s. For example, if you want to work on improving your self image, take 30 minutes each day to doll yourself up or work out to feel better about yourself. Meditate, journal or even masturbate. Put you first and make sure you’re the best “you” you can be before you face the day and the people in it.
7. Stop worrying and using excuses to put off sex. Sure, you’re married now, but that doesn’t mean you and your partner can’t have those “boyfriend/girlfriend” days still! Focus on you and your spouse when you’re on date night or having sex. Learn to keep worries about situations (that haven’t even happened) out of your mind. Don’t use “I’m tired” or “I don’t want the kids to hear us” as an excuse to stop making love with your significant other. There’s always a way!